Tyler Kalmakoff

My mom always wanted to take me to Disneyland. She felt pressured. My friends and my cousins were going to Disneyland, so she’d say, “Tyler, let’s go to Disneyland. I’ll take you to Disneyland. Let me take you to Disneyland.” I’d say, “Save your money, Mom. Let’s go to Fantasyland instead.” She would think I was just trying to be mature each time we had this little back and forth about Goofy and Cinderella and that I was just looking out for her wallet by merely asking her to drive us to Edmonton, but I wasn’t trying to play Mr. Nice Kid. Really, I wasn’t. Who needs rides when you have a hotel?

We never ended up going to Disneyland or Fantasyland. But we would often go to the Tropical Inn in North Battleford. They had the best ice machines, soft carpet in the hallways to run around on and two waterslides, not to mention poolside rooms on the ground level and also ones with balconies. Baba and Gedo could sit on plastic chairs and time me on each trip down the waterslide so I could figure out what I had to do to get more speed.

I remember celebrating my birthdays in hotel rooms. I liked the air conditioning humming by the far bed. It’s nice when you’re a kid whose birthday is in July. One year I got rollerblades and a Teemu Selanne sweatsuit for a gift. You need ice? Let me. I got roller blades. 76 goals? I’ll be back in 76 seconds.

I always told my mom that I’d play for the Blue Jays and live in their stadium’s hotel that overlooks the outfield in downtown Toronto. I was never sure if I actually wanted to be a baseball star or if I just wanted to live in a hotel.

My favourite hotel now is the Canmore Inn And Suites. Cheaper than Banff and has everything I like— the mountain view, great parking, a waterslide, hot tub and is right across the tracks from Safeway. Not only the Safeway food store, but also an adjacent Safeway beer and wine store. Guacamole? A little liqueur? No problem, we got you covered.

The Canmore Inn And Suites also provides a superb continental breakfast. Coffee, bagels, cream cheese and free newspapers from all across Canada sitting, waiting each morning to be read by a window while TSN plays on a giant screen near the cranberry juice machine? Thanks, I’ll come again.

Hotels are also the best to write in. There are no work destroyers in those places, as long as you can afford them.

A girl in my university journalism program received some national award for investigating afflicted students who were forced to live out of hotel rooms because of housing shortages on campus. Afflicted? I was jealous. Just give me a hot plate and a key, I said.